PPD = personal and professional development
See, at the UOW GSM, we have this thing called PPD. We have to do an assignment to reflect on something that we have learned thus far in medicine that would help develop us as a doctor. For me, it is like a cleaner-and-more-politically-correct blogging. Anxiety has always been something that I struggle with and I can’t help reflecting on it for the past couple of weeks due to several incidents that have happened. These are not necessarily what contribute to my anxiety, but I’ve just been in a reflective mood that I can’t help being reflective in almost every segment of my life.
All my life, I have always had that thought of being not good enough for everything. I am a middle child and I am sure that if there is such thing as the clinical diagnosis for middle child syndrome, I would be its poster boy. Growing up, I always felt that I was never good enough for everything; that is exactly the feeling I’ve tried to fight. My extended family always compared me to my older sister and younger brother; ‘why are you not as smart as your sister?’ or ‘oh look at your brother, isn’t he so cute?’. I had to constantly fight for people’s attention and that explains everything about me now. I listen to music that other people wouldn’t listen to and as soon as the artist becomes popular, I would lose interest. I do things that make me unique like taking dancing lessons as well as doing martial arts. Not that I am an attention-whore, but my upbringing has programmed me to be someone who always lusts for attention.
At one point in my life, I really hated my mom. She always has this bitterness towards my dad’s extended family and it didn’t help that the first 2 years of my life, I was raised by my grandma (dad’s mom). Physical punishment was normal then and it would be a lucky day for me if I only get beaten once. I had nightmares about my mom and they were all the same. Me in a 4 by 4 room running away from my mom who was trying to eat my brain. I would say I had that dream constantly until I was about 13.
Another time, when I was in the eighth grade, I had to help my brother study. My brother doesn’t listen to me, never did never would. Mom was mad at me, we got into a big argument, and by the end of the night, she said something that shouldn’t have been said to a child: ‘I wish that you were never born…’ OUCH. I confronted her about it a couple of years ago about this and we made up. Forgiven but not forgotten; that was 14th of June 1998 Sunday night at 745pm. You can call me bitter, but it’s like when you’ve had a sharp knife pierce through your skin and you bleed. Eventually the skin heals itself, but you would still have the scar as a reminder of what happened.
DREAMING VS. LIVING LIFE
What comes with being a middle child is the dreaming. My imagination always runs wild; starting from having a dessert bar to building my own ultra-modern and monochromatic house to thinking about food combinations that can potentially work well together. I think my dreaming is what kept me going and distract me from living my life. Being a child who really hated being home, dreaming was my escapism. I think that might have contributed to the fact that I plan way ahead for my future despite having a somewhat disheveled present life. I’ve thought about this a lot in respect to my clinical experience. I lack an outline in general. I’m so focused on the endpoint/my dreaming that I get disoriented. I don’t have an outline that I can easily follow in clinical skills. I freaking cook without recipes and I make stuff as I go. Clearly I’m living a sad disorganised life.
The last thing that I could think of was the lack of love for myself. Being a middle child, I couldn’t help feeling worthless. I sometimes felt that my parents didn’t love me and that my siblings were more important to them. How has this affected my life? Well, the most concrete thing would be the condition that my room is in. It is in an utter mess, yet I would rather clean this entire (share) house instead of cleaning my own room.
Well, I think that’s enough PPD for tonight…